Fibromyalgia, Part 2: Potassium likes me. A lot.

I'm just winging it here, sister, but potassium seems to be helping with my Fibromyalgia-related symptoms. Most notably, my digestive issues and sleep and muscle aches. I stumbled across something about potassium being necessary for stored fat metabolism, then looked for a list of foods high in potassium and realized...ACK! I haven't been eating any of those. It seems I was consuming fewer than 1,000 mg of potassium each day.


Next I learned that potassium and sodium levels are supposed to be balanced with magnesium and calcium and other electrolytes. And I began to wonder if low potassium was causing electrolyte imbalance--sweating, dizziness, nausea--during my bike rides. Or maybe I was merely inducing illness in myself because of the cacophonous color scheme of my cycling jerseys?

Admit it. I look like Spiderwoman.

By now you have forgotten to give a flying fig about me, my bike rides and my nausea. Instead, you are wondering, well, 1,000 mg of potassium a day, is that, like, low? Is it very low? Give us some context here. Stop talking about yourself, girl, and tell me, How many milligrams of potassium does one need each day?
I'm so glad you asked. I just wish someone on this planet had the answer. If you do an internet search, you will find answers ranging from 3,800 mg per day to 4,500 to 4,700 to 5,100. I guess the amount of potassium you need depends on your age, gender, physical condition and which country you live in and/or are brainwashed by.


But all of those numbers are higher than the <1,000 mg a day I was taking. This may not be an issue for you.  Potassium rich foods include bananas, potatoes and fries.  If you eat those regularly, your potassium level is probably fine.  If you don't eat those, and you want to raise your potassium levels, I have a few caveats for you.

In the United States it is illegal to sell supplements that contain more than 100 mg of potassium due to the fact that some people with kidney and/or heart conditions tend to take too much--probably because of some stupid advice they read on a blog post like this one--and it makes them very ill or dead. Maybe both.  So right now, while you are still alive and/or conscious, would be a good moment for me to reiterate:  rather than take any capsules, just try to eat more eggs, chicken, spinach and melon.  And get your electrolyte levels checked by your doctor. Because potassium citrate supplements (which I take) could land you in the Emergency Room.  Just because I'm doing them doesn't mean you should. If I jumped off a cliff, would you do it, too? Depends on how long our bungee cords are, am I right? Just kidding.  We don't have the energy for bungee jumping.


No, seriously. Your medical conditions may not be the same as mine. You'll want to do your own research and talk to your own doctors before changing your routine because both magnesium and potassium can really do a number on IBS-D as well as other conditions that tend to show up in people with Fibromyalgia. If you do end up taking potassium supplements, there are many types. Check the Mayo Clinic web site. They list a staggering number of them. Also, why does this blog program keep changing my freaking font and spacing? But I digress.

I could have been in 
Tour de France if I'd had 
enough potassium.

I bring up potassium for another reason. Potassium deficiency can cause weakness, fatigue, muscle cramps and constipation. Those symptoms are pretty common in those with Fibromyalgia. What if--just humor me, here--what if some people who have been diagnosed with Fibro actually have potassium deficiency instead? What if eating bananas, baked potatoes and spinach omelets--which all contain potassium--makes all or some of the Fibro symptoms disappear? What if donuts and cheesecake contain potassium? What if eating large amounts of decadent pastries cures us of potassium deficiency and then Random House contacts me and demands that I sign a half million dollar contract for the rights to publish one of my novels and then everyone dashes into my Etsy shop and buys five tastefully handmade scarves in shades of green and/or teal blue and Santa Claus brings me a BMW for Christmas and world hunger gets solved tomorrow and Democrats and Republicans all start to work together for a brighter and better America? We just don't know. But I will keep eating spinach salads and hope for the best.

dj runnels

Visit my Etsy shop, pretty pleeeeeeeease.

If your Etsy shop has low views and low sales

Beaded detail on

one of the handbags

 in my Etsy shop

I just received my 1,111th feedback review on Etsy and I am honored that so many people felt compelled to say something nice about what I shipped them. They didn't have to. I appreciate that they did. I posted this in the Etsy forums along with the following insights.

Sometimes people come into the Etsy forums and ask, "How can I get customers to leave a review?" My answer to this is, "By providing a good product, shipped on time, with a friendly note of thanks." That's it. I know many of you are tempted to ask customers to leave you a review, but that's awkward, not necessary and could even backfire on you. Just do a good job, ship fast and be friendly. My customers know that I am a cheerful sort. (Okay, maybe more wacky than cheerful, but whatever...) And your customers will pick up the vibe you convey, too

I know many of you are discouraged by sagging views and decreasing sales. And you come to the forums seeking advice. Most of the advice you get will be to improve your SEO and photos or to add more merchandise. The sellers who generously take the time to study your shop and offer this advice are often giving you very good advice. Please listen to them. Don't tell them why you can't do it. They are often telling you what you need to know, even if you don't agree. But please also remember that with 53 million listings on Etsy, you may need to make more ruthless changes than simply modifying the SEO. I will never say the following to your face when you come to the forums begging for help, but getting good sales goes beyond tags and photos. (Deep breath.)

Many jewelry makers are creating a style of jewelry that is allllllll over the site; consider branching out into making lanyards and eyeglass holders and pieces less ubiquitous so that you can be found in more categories. Make jewelry for women, men, children. Branch out. If you want to make hand-stamped metalwork bracelets, make yours different from what is already out there. 


If you are addicted to crocheting scarves, try to make yours a little different from the many solid-color acrylic ones so you can compete with the HALF MILLION scarves that are listed in the fall/winter. I know it's comforting to make what you like, the way you like it, in the cheapest yarn you can find, using a solid color. But you do not stand out when you do this.

Be nice. Don't copy my work!

If you're going to make calligraphy farmhouse signs, try to come up with fresh quotes that other sellers are not using. Choose quotes that have a searchable word in them and aim for specific rather than vague. Target demographic groups: nurses, Capricorns, step-families, soccer moms, fishing enthusiasts. Make sure your sign is legible because many of them are not. (You think that they are. But they're not. I see them all day long and I can't read half of them.) Consider using a different font so that you will stand out.

If you make greeting cards and your sales are screeching to a halt, it might be because some demographics are buying fewer greeting cards than they used to, in part because they believe in sustainability and it feels wrong to them to buy cards when they can simply send an email instead and, in so doing, save a tree. Stop! I see that you want to argue with me. You are wasting your breath. I didn't single handedly change our culture. It is a trend and you must find a way to adapt and face reality. Try making greeting cards that are targeted to a much narrower niche. "Happy Birthday to my favorite teacher." People search on the word teacher. And rock climber. And football. And doctor. And Nevada. Incorporate searchable key words into your work and watch the rock climbers and doctors and people of Nevada flock to you. You may be thinking, "Those take forever to sell." But nobody wants a generic birthday card. Or if they do, you have too much competition already and you will not be found in search. Alternatively, consider making some other sort of paper products.

What was popular in 2010 may not be in demand any more. It isn't a condemnation of your skills. It's a matter of supply and demand.

Fail.

It was a sad but realistic day when I realized that few people want my clever hand-felted coasters. There's nothing wrong with the ones I make. There are just too many coasters on Etsy and the supply exceeds the demand. Coasters appeal to an older audience, eager to protect their valuable wood furniture, whereas Etsy shoppers are skewed towards the under 50. Please don't write to me and say, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'm over 50 and I shop on Etsy!" That may be, but the majority of Etsy shoppers apparently are less concerned about leaving latte rings on their Ikea coffee tables. I have other stories like this. Numerous stories. I tried something; it underperformed; I moved on. I don't just blindly continue making something that isn't selling well. I try to figure out why something isn't selling. But if I can't figure it out, that doesn't mean I stubbornly keep on making it.

Fail

This happens to all of us. Here is a cowl neckwarmer that can also be worn as a hood or dread wrap. What's wrong with that? I don't know. It sells, but slowly. Do I go into the Etsy forums and wail, "What am I doing wrongggggg? Why isn't this selling? Is it my tags?" No. I tried adding accents to them, such as felted leaves. I made them in a variety of colors for men and women. I used a male model for some of the listings. I changed photos. Finally, I faced reality and I quit making them. Do you like it? Go look in my shop. You can get one at a reduced price. You're welcome.


dj runnels

Visit my Etsy

Wait, what? Multistrand yarn? What is that?

French Morocco by Life's an Expedition.

Exclusively on Etsy in the lifesanexpedition store.

Life's an Expedition multistrand yarn is composed of multiple strands that have not been plied. If your jaw is on the floor right now, pick it back up while I wait...Okay? Ready? It's not hard to use. I knit with it in a dimly lit room while watching TV using double-pointed needles and trust me, I am not the greatest knitter who ever lived. Granted, if you just learned to knit last week, you won't be able to use it without practice, but if you are an advanced beginner, you should be able to get the hang of it pretty quickly.  I've been winding it and selling it online since 2003 and only know of two people who simply threw up their hands and gave up.

Proof that it can be done. Ta da!

Beginners: I recommend getting comfortable with a single strand first.  If you feel you know what you're doing with one strand, you can eventually handle two.  Then three.  Then more.  Begin with large needles and work your way down to medium needles.  I don't think I have ever used my brand of multistrand yarn on size 4 needles or smaller, but that's not a big concern, since I seldom make any multistrand yarn in a gauge smaller than DK.

Your biggest challenge will be to knit each stitch in its entirety, without dropping a couple of strands. But if you get most of the strands into the stitch and drop the rest--I know, I know, the very thought creeps you out and I feel uncomfortable writing this--but even if it happens, your project will NOT unravel and with all those colors going on, your mistakes will be less noticeable.

In some ways, it's actually easier than single strand knitting, in which every stitch counts and every mistake shows and every dropped stitch means chaos and frogging.  And I'm the sort of person who hates to rip out rows and redo it. (Admit it.  You hate it, too.)

Visit Life's an Expedition on Etsy.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/LifesAnExpedition?
A second problem you may encounter when you're using multiple strands is that one

One of my customers made this with Medieval Violets.

strand will sometimes be stretched out or seem "longer" than the others as you work your project.  Chenille yarn is notorious for this.  If you reach the end of a row--that is, you're on a seam--and your piece has a right side and a wrong side, go ahead and tie up the slack on the pesky strand that is too long. Then when you sew up the seams, you can incorporate the slack into the seam. 

What if you don't have a seam?  What if you're making something like a blanket, without a right side or wrong side?  You can loop the "longer" strand around the needle a second time as often as needed to make it catch up with the strands. I have created yarns in which I never had to do this at all throughout the entire project. But sooner or later, most multi-strand knitters face the problem of uneven strands. 

 

Zenith Star. Only in my Etsy shop: LifesAnExpedition

Or sometimes I see it happen when some of the strands are much thinner and/or a different fiber than the others. It has not put me off of multi-strand knitting, but someone who is using multiple strands for the first time might freak. Just remember, most knitters DO get the hang of it and if you are clever about fudging the yarn a bit here and there, you will relax. 

Knitters and crocheters who are really into elaborate stitches sometimes resist the notion of multiple strands, because they have so much going on just following the pattern.  I can understand that.  Multistrand knitting is easier when you are doing a straight garter or stockinette with minimal increases, decreases or shaping. But I've done seed stitch and ribbing with multiple strands and loved the results.  And I've had customers go on an entrelac binge with Life's an Expedition yarn. And I wove countless scarves with it, despite the special challenges that a weaving loom presents.  I'm not good at crocheting with it, but frankly, I'm not good at traditional crochet.

Lastly, someone who is super-picky about their craft might never enjoy it.  Also, anyone who is devoted to knitting socks or anything on very small needles might not have the patience for multi strands.  Good luck to you.  I re-post this same article every year or two so that people can find it more easily.  If I haven't convinced you yet that you will likely get the hang of multistrand yarn and actually like it, I will point out that I have a number of customers who have purchased over $1,000 worth of it from me over the years.

dj runnels

Follow me on Instagram: lifesanexpedition

Fibromyalgia, Part 1: I'm fighting it, dammit.

I hold back from mentioning that I have Fibromyalgia because a lot of people jump in with, "Oh, yeah, I am tired, too."  And this comment will generally come from someone who does not have debilitating chronic fatigue--one of the hallmarks of Fibromyalgia--and the only reason they're tired is because they stayed up binge-watching Game of Thrones until 3am.  These people probably don't mean to be insensitive by glossing over my massive fatigue issues, but they still irritate me. I struggle not to stab them.

So I don't mention Fibro very often.  Also, I don't want to be viewed as someone with medical issues. I prefer to be treated as a feisty person who fights back when there's an illness.

Fibro is like the Walking Dead.  But with lying down instead of walking.

Some people sit and listen quietly in the doctor's office and take whatever prescription is handed to them, no questions asked. I'm not that way. I do exhaustive internet searches, go to the doctor with a list of blood tests I think I might need and try every supplement or food group that I suspect might make me healthier. One year, I drank carrot juice virtually every day. For a year.  I do not go down without a fight or... at least, I fight when I have the energy. Energy is a key concept here.  It's hard to fight when you don't have any energy.  Coffee can only do so much.  Sometimes coffee doesn't do anything.  And sometimes, coffee actually makes it worse.

This is it in a nutshell:  two of the biggest components of Fibromyalgia are fatigue and pain.  That's on a good day.  On a bad day, it's bone-crushing fatigue and flu-like body aches. 

 There will be a sunrise tomorrow! But you will sleep thru it.

But there are many other symptoms of Fibromyalgia, plus over-lapping or "comorbid" conditions that go along with it.  These include: Multiple Sclerosis, Celiac Disease, Systemic Lupus Erythematosus, Discoid Lupus, Hypothyroidism, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sjogren's Syndrome, Periodic Limb Movement Disorder, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Interstitial Cystitis, Adrenal Fatigue, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Myofascial Pain Syndrome, Gulf War Syndrome, Restless Leg Syndrome, ADD, ADHD, PCOS,  "Fibro Fog" and problems with cognition, (I'm getting tired of capitalizing letters, so...) weird allergies that come out of nowhere, migraines, gluten sensitivity, rheumatoid arthritis, hypoglycemia, type 2 diabetes, insulin resistance, multiple chemical sensitivities, osteoarthritis, insomnia, sleep apnea, depression, anxiety, paresthesias, psoriasis, swelling, inflammation, urinary problems, a lot of digestive issues, temporomandibular joint dysfunction, extreme sensitivity to touch or temperature or light or noise or barometric pressure... Read more about co-morbid conditions on Wikipedia. 

I won't get specific, but I either had or still have roughly 28 of those conditions.  Oh, I'm sorry, you don't seem to be reacting.  28! [Painful emoji.]  So with that many issues going on, my research and trial treatments are an ongoing juggling act. Because lying in bad 24/7 doesn't fix this thing.  Sometimes it's necessary, but sometimes I get up anyway and try one of my many little secret half-cures. And I have found ways to feel better, at least regarding the Fibro symptoms. So I want to share those in a series of short blog posts, because I'm too tired to write long blog posts. 

Corn sensitivities are NOT fun, just in case you wondered.

Corn sensitivities are one of my key issues. If I eat corn, corn muffins, popcorn, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup or any of the seemingly billions of food products made from corn, I feel worse.  It might be because of GMO corn problems or because corn is high glycemic.  I don't know what the reason is.  But corn is an issue.  So I lug around a list of corn products to avoid when I shop for food or eat out. 

Such a hassle.

No, no, wait. That sounds negative.  So let's find another way to word this: Good news! I found out corn triggers my Fibro symptoms! That means all I have to do is avoid corn products and I will feel better at least some of the time, even if I change nothing else! You see what I did there? That's called being positive and proactive instead of giving up.  It's not easy to stay positive, but I have no intentions of writing a horrible, whiny, downer of an article that makes both me and you feel hopeless about Fibro.  I do not feel hopeless every day, all day long. And it is my wish for the world that no one with Fibro will feel hopeless 100% of the time. I can't make you put a positive spin on this. I'm just saying that there are ways to fight back. I'm doing it. Maybe you can, too. I don't know how bad your symptoms are, of course, and I don't know how many co-morbid conditions you have, but maybe I have some insights that will help you.  

Did I mention Fibro migraines? Oy!

Now let's talk about magnesium.  Apparently, many people with Fibromyalgia have magnesium deficiencies and don't know it, so taking a larger dose may help you. It helps me enormously. It decreases my pain and my insomnia especially. I can't say enough good things about magnesium citrate. (Other forms I tried were less effective.) But please keep in mind that your conditions may not match my conditions and you'll want to do your own research and talk to your own doctors before changing your routine. Magnesium can mess up your guts if you also have have IBS-D. 

Also you might not have corn sensitivities, so just because I am depriving myself of the sweet buttery goodness of big, brimmin' bowlfuls of grits doesn't mean you have to.  Please, don't just blindly follow what some humorous, witty, beautiful and talented stranger like me does.  (Stop! You're too kind.) Be proactive and find out what works for your set of conditions. Fight back when you have an ounce of energy and maybe you can make this experience a little less miserable. For now, if you want to slink back under the bed covers, I will understand. Talk to ya later.

dj runnels 
Despite having chronic illness issues, I somehow magically manage to run a large and successful shop called Life's an Expedition on Etsy.  Go figure. 
 

Figuring out fiber content in fabric and yarns

Whenever I try to diagnose the fibers in "mystery fabrics" or yarns with missing labels, I find the information online to be very hard to follow, so I came up with this flow chart to make it slightly simpler.  It's only accurate for fabrics and yarns that are primarily one fiber.  An awful lot of yarns are blends and those are harder to test.

Hope you can read this.  If it's too small, you might try holding the Control key and clicking the plus sign next to your backspace key.  The plus sign enlarges; the minus sign decreases.

Casablanca

Castle Gold

The two yarns shown here, by the way, are by Life's an Expedition yarns and are listed on Etsy.  But the chart above won't help you discern fiber content of Life's an Expedition yarns, because they are mostly blends.  Many of them have four or more different fibers in them.  Then again, most of my yarns already have fiber content listed on the label unless it's one of our big destash listings.

Have fun.
dj runnels

Visit Life's an Expedition on Etsy.

Cheap background for your Etsy, Ebay, Artfire, Zibbet photos

If you sell online but aren't quite ready to invest in an elaborate photography backdrop and light box for your product shots, here's a solution that costs about $10.  You know those white fold-up displays that kids use for science fair projects?  They sell them at Target and similar stores near the school and office supplies.  Here's what the package looks like.

Be careful opening it, because although it is sturdy, the edges chip easily.  It's not a huge deal, since you will crop that part out of your photos.



Once out of the cellophane, the board opens up into a three-panel piece of foam board, about 1/4" thick that you can set up near a window in your home or apartment.  Choose the best window you can, because the light you get will make an enormous difference in your photos.  Natural light gives your product the most natural, accurate color and often alleviates the need for a flash, which can make your product look creepy strange if you don't use it right.  You'll have to experiment regarding the time of day and strength of light available, but soon you'll find the ideal window.  Often a slightly overcast day with a cloudy white sky works best.  Sometimes bright sunlight works if it's indirect, not streaming in directly onto the display board.  If you live in an urban apartment very close to another building or on an immense estate surrounded by trees (I hate you, by the way), you may not be able to find good natural light.  You might try taking the display board outdoors to use in light, overcast conditions.

So here is my closed, folded up display board on my dining table.  Doesn't look very bright in that room, does it?  But it will work fine.  I am laying the board horizontally and I will use the large middle panel for arranging the merchandise I want to photograph.  I will use one of the short panels to hide whatever garbage may be on my dining table.

 

Today I arranged to have an exceptional amount of junk on my table, just for you.  The curtain rod in my dining room fell and I haven't put it back up.  I can't open the other curtain until I do, because if I attempt it, the other rod could fall.  Meanwhile, my husband has a stack of bills he has to pay.  And there's a library book he is reading.  Plus I have a stack of photos in frames that I am going to do something creative with.




So now I open up one of the flaps of the board to hide the aforementioned junk.

I will place my product on the widest section of the board.  If I don't need the other short panel--which is now closest to me--I may simply tilt it up and let it reflect light onto the merchandise.  If the whole reflective thing is too confusing or doesn't work for you, don't worry about it. 

This is my product, a cowl neck scarf, photographed against the main part of the same board, on the same day, using only the light from a window to my right.  I cropped out all the debris and hoopla on the dining table and all we see is my hand knit cowl surrounded by lots of white.

If you sell on Etsy, you know having a white background is uber important.  Etsy.com is loaded with white, so having crisp photos with white backgrounds enhances the Etsy look.  Some people don't like the Etsy look, but I think those who embrace it tend to have better sales. There are exceptions.  But I digress.  Also, if you sell on other online sites, it is still a giant plus to use a stark white background, because it puts focus on your product and makes for a sophisticated photograph.  I truly believe that a photo can make or break a sale.  I have seen what is probably perfectly viable merchandise online that I nevertheless didn't purchase merely because the photo was so dark or blurry that I wasn't confident it was what I wanted.

When I am finished taking the photos I need--and I will take a lot, because another mistake that sellers sometimes make is showing only one photo when they could have shown 5 or 10.  Wait, where was I?  Oh, yes, when I'm through taking photos, I will fold up the board and put it to the side of a shelf in my dining room, where it is unobtrusive and less likely to get kicked or scratched.

Now I need to figure out how to get that pesky curtain rod back up.

Visit Life's an Expedition on Etsy.

dj runnels

Losing Hope: a short story by dj runnels

Most middle-of-the-night phone calls in my house are wrong numbers.  That is my first thought one night, shortly after New Year's, when the phone rings.  And without looking at the clock, I know it can't be past midnight, because I'm not groggy enough to have been asleep that long.  Still, I'm in no mood to deal with someone who can't dial a phone correctly.
I let my husband answer it.  It’s not a wrong number.  And something is clearly wrong.  He listens to the caller for many minutes, responding in brief non-sentences.  Uh-huh...Oh, no...Oh, my God...He sits with his head in his hand.  I cannot see his face, but I watch his back, hunched forward with despair.  Now as I lie on my back, my eyes scan the darkened room, trying to guess whom the caller could be.  My intense curiosity to know what has happened is choked with dread.  Someone very close to us must be injured or seriously ill for us to get a call at this hour.  My mother?  His mother?  Perhaps his sister lost the baby.
I should tug at his arm and whisper, “Who is it?”  But he will not be distracted whenever he is on the phone.  

I hear him ask, “Well, was anyone else in the car?”

A car accident.  That doesn’t narrow the field of possible victims.  We all have cars.  I sit up, mentally stumbling down a list of people who might consider it urgent that we know about a car accident.

“What about Darren?”

Finally, a name!  But it’s not a family member.  The only Darren I can think of is my friend Tania’s husband.  I press my hand to my mouth.  Not Tania.

“God be with you,” my not-usually-this-religious husband tells the caller.  “And thanks for letting us know.”  He hangs up quietly.  Sighs.  Then turns to face me, although I can’t see him in the dim light.  I am on the verge of hyperventilating.  

“Tania was in a car accident on Barrington Road.  She’s in the hospital.”
I swallow.   “Then she’s not dead?”
“I guess she’s in serious condition.  Something to do with a kidney.”
He waits, not wanting to continue.
“And?”  Curiosity conquers my dread.

He tells me all he has learned about the accident from another neighbor, who was kind enough to phone us.  Tania had just picked up her daughter Hope from preschool when an oncoming snowplow lost control and rammed into her station wagon.  Later we would read in the papers that the plow had peeled the car open like a can opener.

“Hope was killed,” he says.
 

Seldom do I notice the brutality of this word:  killed.  It starts with a crisp K sound.  It has only one blunt, choppy syllable. It conjures images of knives and explosions and violent encounters of the sort seen mostly on bad TV dramas.  And it doesn't belong in the same sentence as Hope.

Hope.  Age five.  Glossy black hair in a little-girl bob.  Tanned skin glistening with water droplets from having just jumped over the lawn sprinkler.  (“Pinkler,” she used to call it.)  Five or six neighborhood kids shivering, grabbing towels.  “Does anyone want a drink?”  Tania emerging from her screen door with a pitcher of lemonade and small plastic cups in purple, yellow and turquoise.  I regale Tania with some witty nonsense about my job.  But we keep our eyes on the kids.   Hope is squealing and running ahead of the others.  An out-going child.  Warm and sunny.

Summers with Hope stretch out endlessly.  Chalk pictures on the driveway—fish, houses and ABC’s.  Kids comparing their bright red or orange tongues after slurping down Popsicles.  Tubes of sunscreen falling through the webbing of lawn chairs.  The Big Contest:  who would be first to ride a bike without training wheels.  Huge bandages covering miniscule boo-boos.  My son helping Hope shovel sand into a plastic bowl in the sandbox, where they are building a parking garage.

The last time I saw Hope was December 27, in the Disney aisle at a video store.  Did you have a good Christmas, I asked her?  Her little Dalmatians hat bobs with every turn of her head.  She wants to get home and watch her movie, not chat with the neighbor lady.  But I’m not through showing what a good friend I am.  I ask what Santa brought her.  She says she doesn’t know.  I quip, “Can’t remember?  Must have been good stuff!”  Those were my last words to her.  A bit of sarcasm, then a casual dismissal.  See ya later.  And now the child is dead.

My husband and I cannot fall back asleep.  I will not sleep for the next three nights but will give in and take a sleeping pill on the fourth night.  Like somnambulistic sentries, we march sluggishly past the night-lights in our hallway to check on our own two children, a boy and a girl, each asleep in warm, flannel oblivion.  How will we tell them the girl they played with for four years—through sprinklers, across the grass, in the sandbox, running, laughing---is dead?  How to explain death to a child, when we don’t understand it ourselves?

We stand in our five-year-old daughter’s room and look out her window at Darren and Tania’s house across the street.  There is the dark bedroom window of their five-year-old daughter, Hope.  She should be in there, asleep in her bed, covered with a Dalmatians bedspread.  I can envision her little form lying there in the dark, perhaps with her mouth half open.  But she’s not in that room.  She’s dead.  We try and try to hammer this fact into our heads, but it’s like pushing thumbtacks into cast iron.

The rest of the night passes slowly, very surreal, with tears inadequate for their job.  I debate about driving to the hospital to see Tania, but the neighbor who called didn’t specify which hospital.  I don’t want to call her in the middle of the night to ask, although I can’t imagine that she is asleep, either.  Also I worry that I will drive badly through the cold night in my sleep-deprived state.  Towards dawn, we huddle over coffee mugs and discuss whether to take the kids to school or not.  

When the children get up for breakfast, we tell them the news carefully, in stages.  They look at us quietly, eyes turned up to us, the tall and supposedly protective adults.  But we certainly didn’t protect them from Hope’s death, did we?  We answer what few questions they have.  Is Hope really, truly dead?  Not just pretending?  Yes.  (Although we are secretly hoping it’s all one big mistake.)   Was Hope wearing a seat belt?  Yes.  But in some accidents, wearing a seat belt doesn’t help.  Why is Hope’s mother in the hospital?  We repeat what little we know.  Try to explain what a kidney is.  The kids turn quiet.  Do you feel able to go to school? we ask.  They nod.  They are more successful at eating breakfast than we were.

The phone rings and I jump, reminded of the phone call we received during the night.  It’s the school calling to see if I can serve as a substitute teacher today.  I feel a flash of outrage.  How dare they ask such a thing when Hope has just been—?  But of course, they have no way of knowing about the accident.

“I’m sorry,” I tell the secretary, “there’s been a—”  Not a death in the family.  A death in the extended family?  That’s not accurate either.  A death in the circle of friends?  That sounds like a movie title.  “There’s been a death.” Wrong thing to say.  She overreacts, thinking it’s one of my children or my husband.  “No, no,” I assure her.  “Just a friend’s child.”  But that sounds as if Hope is somehow unimportant.  “Look, I can’t even think straight.  Please take me off the list for a couple of weeks.  I’ll let you know when I can work again.”  She offers condolences I don’t deserve.


My children finish their Cheerios and head upstairs to dress for school.  My husband is in the shower.  I remain in the kitchen staring at the cold snow swirling across our deck.  Wishing I could be in another place and time altogether.  Suddenly a sparrow plows right into the patio glass door and flops to the deck.  I clutch the neck of my purple sweater, watching, hoping the bird is only stunned.  But it lies there motionless, save for the wind ruffling its feathers.  I dash to the bathroom.  Over the sound of the shower, I tell my husband about the bird.

“I don’t want the kids to see it!”  I wring my hands and pace the steamy room.
After he is dressed, my husband goes out on the deck, scoops the bird up with a section of the Chicago Tribune, then carries it to the field behind our house, where nature will reclaim it.  Evidence removed, the children will never know about the sparrow.  If only we could shield them from Hope’s death so easily. 

I take the kids to school and inform each of their teachers of the tragedy.  They are acquaintances of mine.  I have subbed for each of them.  And they, too, offer sympathy I don’t deserve.  I ask them to notify me if my children exhibit any emotional trauma.  Yet my children calmly remove their coats and placidly proceed to their seats.  I am the one tearing soggy tissues into shreds.


En route to the hospital, a pick-up truck nearly rams into me when I don’t change lanes fast enough to suit the driver.  I shiver, despite my minivan’s powerful heating system.  That’s all that’s standing between me and the Valley of Death:  one guy with road rage.  One snowplow.  One lightning bolt.

At the hospital, I work my way through a rat maze of chemical corridors and cold, metal desks to find a receptionist who knows where Tania’s room is.  But she questions my identity.  Only family members are allowed in intensive care.  The floodgates open.  No, I am not a family member, I sob, but I must see her!  This is not an orchestrated sympathy ploy.  I am simply desperate.  The receptionist rises, points around a corner and directs me to Tania’s room.  Take this elevator to the third floor, follow the corridor and something-something-something.  I don’t hear all of it because I can’t believe she’s letting me go there after all.

I go up the elevator and stumble irritably down the hallway like a toddler who skipped her nap.  This way.  No, that way.  My face scrunches up in confusion.  I find Hope’s father, floundering about in what looks like yesterday’s suit.  His power tie is loose, having lost all of its power.

“There was a car accident and Hope is dead!” Darren blurts, tears streaming.  Today, he is not the controlled lawyer.  Today, he is a grief-stricken father.  “They won’t let me see her!”
Darren takes me to Tania’s room, where she has recently been placed after being in intensive care.  Then he disappears, to continue his aimless sojourn of the hallway.  Tania is lying flat, with pillows propping one arm and both legs.  The IV tubes, I expected.  The monitors going blip-blip, I expected.  But she has large purple bruises under each eye that match my sweater.   And in addition to the kidney, one of her vertebrae is damaged.  Had it broken completely, she would be dead.  If it doesn’t heal correctly, she could be paralyzed.  So she must wear a neck brace, which looks like a torture device designed to squeeze and push her head right off her neck.  And on top of all this, her daughter is dead. 

I look for a part of her not covered with cuts, bruises or tubes.  I decide on her head.  I become a human hairbrush, letting my fingers twist their way through her soft black curls, my fingernails barely skimming her scalp.  Little did she know, when she used the curling iron yesterday morning, that she would be lying here the next day--the curl still there, the daughter gone.  It is strange to touch someone outside of my family this intimately.  But it is one of the best ways to comfort my children when they awaken from a nightmare or become ill.  It either soothes Tania a little or she pretends it does.  

“I’m glad you’re alive,” is one of the few things I say to her.  But I can’t leave without murmuring the standard if-there’s-anything-I-can-do.  And she gives me a job.  Her laundry is piling up at home, she says.
“I’m the queen of laundry,” I say with a smile.  Laundry is my least-hated household chore.  And I’m relieved she didn’t give me the grim task of notifying family members of Hope’s death.


But I didn’t realize until I had her baskets of laundry in my house, and began loading my washer, that Hope’s clothes would be in there.  I see tiny Winnie the Pooh shirts that I remember her wearing.  I pile them around the agitator, feeling agitated myself.  I see knee smudges on a pair of floral leggings and squirt them with stain remover.  Hope will never wear them again, but I treat them with care, knowing they were hers.  I use sweet-smelling fabric softener.  I fold everything as neatly as you might see it in a department store.  I weep over tiny underwear, over socks no longer than a watchband.  I think of all the clothes Hope must have in her dresser and closet at home.  I remember the red dress I gave her for her last birthday.  I chose red because it looked so good with her shiny black hair.
Then a thought hits me: What if Hope was wearing that birthday dress when she was killed?  The concept overwhelms me.  Well, what if she was?  Would it make me somehow responsible for her death?  Illogical.  Would her parents remember the dead child in the red dress, forever equating me with her death?  Not likely, since Tania was knocked unconscious.  Darren never saw the body, either, as he drove straight from work to the hospital and the officials there would not allow him to see her.  So why should I care if Hope wore that particular dress the day of the accident?

But I can’t shake this thought and I’m obsessed with knowing what the girl was wearing.  I wonder how I can find out.  I can’t expect the hospital to tell me.  They were reluctant to let me visit Tania.  I’ll just have to ask Tania herself.  She would remember what she dressed her daughter in for preschool that morning.  But what am I thinking?  How can I torture the bereaved mother with such a trivial question?

My thoughts are tormented, erratic these first few weeks.  I travel the path of the bereaved:  Why are we here, why do we die, how can such a young child die, what is the purpose, what is the point---the same tired questions that have plagued humankind since life began.  Most of all, I find it hard to believe that it happened at all. 

And I become obsessed with other details.   What was the last thing Hope said in the car?  Did the driver of the snowplow feel guilty?  What was I doing at the exact moment of the accident and why didn’t I somehow know about it, by feeling a “disturbance in the Force,” so to speak?  Did the paramedics cry when they saw Hope?  Or are they numb to this sort of thing by now?  My brain will not shut up.  And there are nightmares about accidents, blood, decapitation.

Exasperated, I distract myself with trivial errands.  To Kmart to look for light bulbs.  To the hardware store for water softener salt.  Dragging my feet down the aisles.  Months later, I would remember very little of what I did during this time other than visit Tania in the hospital and shovel snow.  It seems to snow daily and I dig out my driveway, as well as Darren and Tania’s driveway.  Dreadful  weather.  But I see logic in it.  When someone dies, the weather should be dreadful.   I had read a book in junior high called The Red Pony.  Such a sad book.  Wasn’t there bad weather in that story when the pony died?  John Steinbeck knew death = bad weather.  So why do so many people die on bright, sunny days?  They are wrong.  They are supposed to die on snowy, gray days.  But of course, that isn't how it works.


The weather is especially poignant for Hope’s memorial service.  A Chicagoland snowstorm. My husband is stranded thirty miles away, on business, and cannot attend.  So I take the kids.  I almost faint before making it to my seat.  You can’t afford the luxury of fainting, I chastise myself.  You have to drive the kids back home through a snowstorm.  And there is the on-going guilt for not being stronger, since Hope’s parents feel so much worse than I do.

The foul weather doesn’t prevent a large turnout for the service.  Hundreds of mourners step through slushy, blowing snow in their nice black dress shoes.  Tania arrives in a neck brace and a wheelchair.  She is healing and will not end up paralyzed.  Not in the physical sense, anyway.  She does not cry, not even when they play (predictably) a song with the word “hope” repeated throughout.  I suspect that if she did cry, she would shatter into a thousand pieces.  I want to sit near her, comfort her, push her wheelchair when needed, but there are too many people present and they all want to be near her.  I feel left out.  And then I feel guilty for thinking about myself.

My eight-year-old son hopes that during the service, Hope will miraculously sit up in her coffin.  Look, everyone!  I’m all right!  It was all a mistake.  Throngs of teary-eyed mourners will rush forward and embrace her.  Hope!  Thank God, you’re all right.  You had us all worried, you silly girl!  Those stupid doctors thought you were dead.

I want this to happen, too.  But there is no coffin.  Hope has been cremated.  I haltingly explain cremation to my son.  But he blinks his long eyelashes and looks at me blankly.  He cannot accept reality without seeing Hope’s body.  And we will never see her body.  The girl has just plain disappeared from the face of the earth, despite the image we carry of her and the fact that we just talked to her at the video store.  It’s a paradox that spins us around like a dog chasing its tail.  I wonder if my son will ever accept Hope’s death.  Or if he will ever grieve.

At the library, I try to find books about bereavement.  I am not successful.  Despite my schoolteacher’s familiarity with libraries, I cannot get my brain to lead me to the right shelf.  I have the patience of a gnat.  A librarian’s radar senses my frustration.  I tell her that my neighbor’s child has died.  A seemingly permanent quaver in my voice prevents me from saying more.  But I see something in her eyes.  She absorbs my pain, is saturated with it.  It is more than sympathy.   It is a Knowing.


Over the following weeks, the bereavement books lead me to books on religion—first my own, then everyone else’s.  Then philosophy books.  And now I am seeing that Knowing look in others, the way I saw it in the librarian.  We are all connected, claims one of the philosophy books.  I never did understand what it meant to “be one with the universe,” but suddenly I am one with all people, as if each of us were a computer, simultaneously linked to the Internet, able to access and trade ideas.

I explain this theory to my husband.  He gives me a funny look and wants to know what’s for dinner.

At Tania’s house, I notice several changes.  Every horizontal surface in the house contains a floral arrangement, each one competing to be the most colorful, the most spectacular.  Photos of Hope are all over, on every mantel, every table, every shelf.  In beautiful frames of all sizes.  And next to all the flowers and photos are boxes of tissues.  Long rectangular boxes and short squarish boxes.  Pop-up and regular.  Puffs, Kleenex, Scotts.

I take a seat on the sofa.  Smell the flowers.  See the pictures.  Talk about Hope.  Pull up tissues.  And every time I’m in this house, I look for Hope.  I feel her presence.  I look around, wondering when she will trounce down the stairs in mismatched socks or call out for more milk from the kitchen.

I visit Tania again and again, each time hoping I will somehow find Hope or find some sort of answer to the question of Death.  Each time, I realize we are cut apart.  I am a woman with children.  She is a woman without children.  We will never be close friends again.  Each time, I leave feeling depressed.  Yet a few hours later, when I am at home making meat loaf, listening to my children argue over whose turn it is on the computer, I feel better.  And lighter, as though I have shed a heavy coat. Everything goes wrong in my house about this time.  Just as the heavy snows start melting, my sump pump stops working and my basement may flood.  The oven igniter quits igniting and I cannot make dinner.  We lose one of the library books about bereavement and may have to pay for it, adding insult to injury.
But my children are alive, I remind myself.


We find the library book under the front seat of my car.  We pay to have the stove and sump pump fixed.  I go back to teaching.  And despite all our wishes to roll over and play dead, we do not.

Summer comes.  At Hope’s preschool, they plant a tree in her memory.  At the foot of the tree is a hand-painted stone with Hope’s name on it.  “She was a tree of life to all who embraced her.”  A quote from the Bible.  Romans something.  I struggle to understand the meaning of the quote.  A tree of life?  I like trees, but why compare an active, healthy, radiant child to a stationary tree?

My husband and I sit on our deck, gazing out at the field behind our back yard.  The field where he laid the sparrow to rest.  Summer thistle has given way to Queen Anne’s lace, then autumn goldenrod.  

“You’re not the woman I married,” he says.
“Really?”  I quip.  “Then just who did you marry?  And where was I during the ceremony?”
But he will not be distracted.
“Do you feel better?” he wants to know.
“Do you?” I counter.
“It was different for me.  I’m not home with the kids all summer.  I didn’t know her the way you did.”
I’m wondering why, if he has accepted Hope’s death as he claims, he still can’t say her name.  Or the D word.
“Yes, I feel better,” I admit.  “Whoever I am.”


On the anniversary of Hope’s death, it troubles me that there is no gravesite I can visit.  And I am reminded of an old story.  An Asian and an American visit the side-by-side graves of their loved ones.  The Asian places food on the tombstone of his ancestor.  The American, placing flowers on his own ancestor’s tombstone, looks over at the food and scoffs, “When is your loved one going to come and eat that food?”  The Asian calmly replies, “When yours comes to smell those flowers.”

The kids and I brave the snow and cold to visit Hope’s memorial tree at the preschool.  No one is there at this hour of the afternoon.  We tie a red ribbon around the tree.  A remnant from one of my daughter’s Christmas presents.  It seems inappropriate, since Hope did not receive any presents.

“How does that look?”  I give the red ribbon an extra knot at the back, to make sure the Chicago wind doesn’t decimate it within the week.  I slip my gloves back on and look at my children—five and eight no longer, but now six and nine.  While Hope is forever five.

“Mom,” says my daughter in her high voice, “sometimes I feel sad about Hope.”
I hold her pink-gloved hand in mine.  Her gray eyes look up at me.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her.  Neither of my children has cried openly over Hope, but I understand now that they quietly grieve.  As I look back to the ribbon, I feel tears coming. And I wonder:  do I cry because Hope is gone?  Or because she is not to be found at this tree?  And if she is not to be found at this tree, where is she?  Some would say she is everywhere.  But if that’s true, why do we need to visit this tree?  When is my loved one going to come and see this ribbon?

“It’s cold out here.  Let’s get in the car.”

I make sure the kids are buckled before I drive off.  Saying a silent prayer to God or Buddha or Allah that no snowplows collide with us on the way home.  Feeling simultaneously glad and guilty that I have two children whom I love more than my life.
I do not tell Tania that we tied the ribbon around the tree.  She will find it on her own.  And her lips will form a soft smile, knowing someone remembered her child.  But she will always carry a sadness with her.

I dream that I find Hope wandering around the field behind my house.  Her eyes unfocused.  Lifting her short bare legs through the weeds.  It is summer.  She is barefoot, in her red birthday dress.  But the weeds are dead and dry, as in winter.  I run towards her.  Here she is!  She was here, all this time! Didn’t anyone think to search the field?  Hope!  Hope!  Let me take you home.  But she can’t hear me.  I want to run to Tania’s house to tell her the exciting news.  But I’m afraid if I leave, Hope will disappear again.  So I call and call to Tania.  Tania, I found her!  I found Hope!  She can’t hear me, either.  Instead, I follow Hope, watching her.  She is day dreaming.  Looking at the weeds, yet not looking at them.  The sun glinting off her short black hair.  Tiny tanned toes stepping gingerly through the crunchy stalks.  In this field, last year’s dead sparrow has long ago begun its journey to rejoin the earth.